Thanksgiving.

Every good blogger has to have a good "I'm grateful for..." post. So here's mine. I think that I'll try to high light one small thing each day this week. Day one.

Beautiful weather!

I love the sun so much, and I'm always so sad when the weather changes to snow in the winter time. I love the rain. I love sitting inside, reading books, and listening to the beautiful pitter pat of the rain on the roof. I love the changing leaves in the fall time - I especially love crunching around in them as I smile to myself. I love the beautiful snow. It's cold, but it's always beautiful. I love the weather. And I love that I am blessed with all four seasons here.

Day one = success. I'm so grateful for the weather!

Happy Thursday

Happy Thursday :) Well, I guess it's Friday now...

You know what makes me really happy? I love driving with my windows rolled down on cool summer nights. And it's only complete with my blasting country music in the background. I used to think that I didn't really have a musical preference. But I do. I've been listening to my sister's music a lot lately, and it just doesn't sit well with me. It's all right for the first 10 minutes or so, and then I'm ready to turn it off. I love my country music. I know that tags me as sort of a music freak (especially in the music building ;)) but I love it. I don't really have favorite songs, but here are my favorites for today.

Favorite country songs for today:

I Run to You by Lady Antebellum
Then by Brad Paisley
Mayberry by Rascal Flatts

Those are the first three that came to mind. I love the way country music tells stories. You get a glimpse into people's lives from a three minute song, how great is that? I love music...

Well, that's all. I've had a great day today. It's been a while since I've been able to say that. Today was just all around successful. Sweet dreams, readers ;)

Blogging for the Soul

Why did I even start this blog? It's kind of funny to look back on my old blog. Looking at the person that I used to be and who I've become. Who I've become... am I happy with who I've become? I'm happy with most of the person that I've become. There will always be more to fix. That's terrifying, happy, wonderful, and awful all at the same time. Being able to progress forever is a little overwhelming, but knowing that I'm not perfect now and that I'm not supposed to be is comforting. It's kind of exciting too... I can be whoever I want to be.

I wish I was more adventurous sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I'm always taking the safe way out, always doing exactly what I'm told. Not that I want to do anything bad, but maybe something a little crazy. I really want to go somewhere and help. Like Mexico or Africa. I don't know what I could do... maybe they need English teachers in Taiwan. I've heard of people that have done that. And I would love to do that too. I don't really know what kinds of programs take students there, but I'd love to go. Isn't it funny who sometimes life is really exciting and other times it's just a challenge to make it day to day? Maybe it's not really funny...

I need to start hanging out with people again. I've kind of closed myself off these past few weeks. Not a good idea for me... it gives me too much free time. I have been reading a lot lately though. I finally finished Harry Potter 7. It was fantastic! I laughed, I cried... awesome. ;)

Why is it so hard to let people in? It's so difficult to sustain relationships with people... they take so much work. It's worth it absolutely, but it's not easy. I feel really alone lately. Not completely alone, because I know that I'm never completely alone, but sometimes I go to work, come home, and then go to bed. I hardly text anyone (everyone's pretty much gone now). And I'm afraid to go back to school. Part of me is afraid to get closer to the people who are leaving, because solitude at school will be easier if I'm used to it, won't it? Somehow I'm going to be all right, and I will make friends. And I can get close to people who are leaving. What's life without a little heartache? ;)

I'm going to work harder.

Blogging is so therapudic. Seriously. I feel much better about things. And maybe I'll even hang out with some people tomorrow... crazy thought ;) I can do this. And maybe I'll let other people read this blog... it was originally made as a new chapter in my story, and it was meant for me. So we'll see... maybe I'll post on my other blog that I have this one. Who knows? Have a happy week everyone. Good luck with everything you're doing.

That's all it takes.

Katie just asked/told me to "stop falling apart." Now, she meant it literally. I have a cold sore, I just burned the finger next to the finger that is randomly swollen and bruised, and I've been having weird stomach cramps for the past few days. Not to mention the weird dots that have been accumulating on my calf muscles. I know she meant it literally, but right before she sent me that text I was thinking about not falling apart in more of a metaphorical way. Sometimes I feel like I'm falling apart. I'm not trying to complain or anything; I know there are people with trials billions of times harder than mine right now. But I feel like it's important for me to write about how I'm feeling; why have a blog if all I do is write fluffy lists and posts full of uplifting words? Life isn't about being perfect; life is about persevering through the rough parts and coming out a better person. Life may be hard, but who really wants to get to the end of life only to realize that they hadn't learned all the things they needed to because they had taken the easy way out? It's the hard times that shape us into the people that we're meant to be. I know that it doesn't seem that way when we're in the middle of a tough time in life. I know that really well. But I also have faith and hope that challenges are the very things that shape us into what we need to become. (I'm writing this mostly to remind myself.)

Heavenly Father is always watching out for us, no matter what. Even when we feel like we've reached the depths of sorrow and there is no light at the end of the tunnel, there is. He knows exactly how far we can be pushed. Heavenly Father doesn't test the weak. He's teaching us to be just like him, and that's exactly who I want to be. I am so far from being that... but I know that my Father in Heaven is cheering for me every step of the way. He wants me back; he wants everyone to come back to Him.

Some days I feel like I'm at the very end of my rope. Some days I feel like I really am all alone in this big world. But I know deep down in my heart that I am never truly alone, I will always have the love of my Heavenly Father and Savior. So even though I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams, I know someone is guiding my life and He's ready to sew me back up when I've reached my breaking point. Faith and hope, that's all it takes.

That's what counts

So I thought I'd take advantage of a night that I'm feeling really pretty awesome. Not that all my other nights suck or anything, but tonight has just been better than a lot of other days this week. I've been a little bored lately, and I've been missing some direction; however, today just felt better. Church was really frustrating. I've been trying to get this musical fireside ready for next week, and sometimes people aren't willing to help. It's just so frustrating when people aren't willing to put forth any effort. But you know, maybe I don't know the whole story. Maybe some people just really can't take on even one more thing. I have a really hard time saying no, but not everyone is that way.

This leads to my next thought. I've been thinking a lot today about how we're sort of all in this together. One of our purposes on this earth is to help and lift other people. Helping other people is one of our main purposes while we're here, and I just think that's so cool. We all have this end goal in sight, and we can help other people reach that ultimate goal. None of us are perfect, but I like to think that most of us are trying our best. Most people are trying to live life the best that they can. It would help me a lot if I could remember that.

Things are going really well, and I'm so happy with my life. I have so many blessings and opportunities, and I love being me. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying. And that's what counts.

I don't always have it together.

I am discouraged.

I feel so lonely.

A piece of my heart is gone, and I can't get it back.

Pain. Alone.

I still feel hope, and that's comforting. I do know that things are going to turn out the way they should. And I do know that I'm not ever really alone. But tonight...

I need my best friend, and he's gone.

I want to smile... But more than that, I want to cry. I want to cry the pain away.

I don't have to have it together all the time.

Some of the time would be nice...

I want to guard my heart. And at the same time, I want to let people in.

It's worth it; it's hard.

Experience is the essence of life.

Experiences are the essence of life. If we never experienced anything, then we wouldn't be living. And I'm so grateful that I get to experience new things often. I feel so ready to take on the world. There are just so many possibilities, and I can shape my life into what I want it to be- as long as it's done with righteous desires and guidance from the spirit. I am so grateful for the opportunity that I have to grow and to learn. Things can be hard sometimes, but if things weren't hard then they wouldn't be worth it. It's true. Hard things make life worth it. And making it through hard things makes us stronger.

Tonight I'm just so grateful. I know that no matter where my life turns, I have someone there guiding my life always. My Heavenly Father always knows what's best for me, and all He asks is that I place my full faith and trust in Him. And if I do, he will always guide me. I'm not perfect. And I am so grateful that I'm not perfect. I am so grateful that I get to learn and grow. I love it. I absolutely love learning things about myself, other people, and the world around me. It doesn't get much better than that.

I want to experience new things, and I want to grow. It won't always be easy, but it will always be worth it. I love this.

Just Keep Swimming

I've been a lot happier this summer than I've been for a long time. I'm not sure what I can attribute it to. I can think of a few things, but only a few that I'm actually going to mention on my blog.

1. Friends - This last semester of college made me remember how much I love my friends. But not just friends in general. I've realized that there are a few people that are always going to be there for me. There are some friends from high school that I'll still see on occasion, but there are two or three friends that I will always be able to turn to when I need them. And that means a lot to me.

Okay so only one that I'm going to write about.

College has taught me a lot. And I wouldn't trade this past year for anything. There were a few times when I was sure that I was going to throw in the towel, but I never did. And I'm stronger because I never did. I learned to be a lot more independent; yet, I also learned that I have to rely on other people sometimes. Going it alone just doesn't cut it, and it's not enjoyable.

I learned other qualities about myself too. Maybe I'll write about them in another post, maybe not. But college has really been an important step in my life. I'm learning and growing far more than I ever did in high school. High school taught me the lessons that it was meant to teach me, but now I'm moving on to bigger and better lessons and experiences.

"Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming."

Pain builds compassion

What makes everything feel better? A good ol' Paul Potts marathon. His voice is so beautiful and soothing. I absolutely and completely love it. No questions asked. I can feel his heart in the music, and that's why it's beautiful. Singing with heart is a lot more difficult than you'd think.

So, I'm not going to lie, this has been a really tough week for me.

I feel like in some areas of my life I've taken a huge step forward since high school. I'm a lot more independent. And when I'm not depressed, I'm really good at being alone. I like being with myself, even if other people don't. That's an interesting dynamic of my life right now. Sometimes, and I'm sure everyone feels this way at times, I feel like I'm a pretty good person, but I can't seem to let other people see it. Sometimes I'm just plain scared to let other people see it because I'm sure that they'll take a piece of my heart and then break it. That happened a few times. Or they just miss it. I'm right there waiting for them, practically begging them, to take a piece of my heart and keep it safe. But getting to the point of absolutely siphoning off a portion of my heart takes time and trust, and usually the piece they take, knowingly or unknowingly, gets broken.

How do you move on from that?

I hate it when boys don't feel. They seem to move on a lot faster than girls do.
"We don't love as much, but we love just as hard. The mother of my kids is a junkie, and I love her."

Half of me wants to let everything go so that I can move on, and the other half of me knows that the things that brought me to this point are a part of me and I'll never be able to let them go. I haven't found a balance between past and present. Because if I don't hurt because of the things that I've lost, then they're really gone. If I stop hurting, then I've let go. And letting go is too scary. Because letting go of people, even people that have hurt me, means that I'll be alone. And being alone hurts worse than the pain that other people have caused me, doesn't it? So which pain am I more afraid of? That's the decision I have to make, I guess. Right now, it feels like whatever I choose I'm going to be in pain. But at least I have the choice.

I do feel. And that's important, it means I'm human.

I lack motivation to do things because I can't see the point. Did there used to be a point, or did I trick myself into believing that there was a point? Maybe it's just harder to see the end goal as an adult. Maybe there really hasn't ever been a point. Maybe one day this void will go away...

I can't imagine that he doesn't feel it too. Am I really the only one that gave a piece of my heart away? Even if this is how it's meant to be, it still hurts.

I've said that before...

Even though I'm hurting, I'm happy because I know that someone who knows what is best for me is shaping my life. Pain is all a part of the process. And if I don't feel pain, how could I be expected to help other people who feel pain? I've got to feel it if I want to use it to help other people who are suffering. Pain builds compassion. And one day, when my daughter comes to me with a broken heart, I'll know how to help because I've been there. I'll hold her and let her tell me absolutely everything. And I'll be able to do that because I've felt similar pain.

This is all a part of the plan for me. I've just got to keep on keepin' on because I can overcome this pain. It will take time, but the wound is going to close, I'm going to become who I want to be, and I'm going to find happiness through myself. It's possible. "Oh yeah, it's all comin' together."

I love... random...

I love this blog.

Shhh it's a secret.

Here's a random sentence.

Sometimes when I'm with new people I smile a lot. That or I smile a lot already, and I just notice it when I'm with new people.


I love...
1. Spring.
2. Happiness.
3. Midnight Strolls beneath the starry night sky.
4. Camp Fires.
5. Sweats.
6. Lilacs.
7. Boys that bring you flowers just because they felt like it.
8. People who care.
9. Cashews "Which is weird..."
10. feeling good about myself.

I think I'll make a campfire tonight. I'll probably invite Katie. It'll be great.

Things are going to be OK. Heavenly Father is looking out for me, I know he is. And all this stuff is for my benefit. Things are going to be OK.

Happy Monday.

Laugh a little.

I ate too many cookies today. My tummy hurts. But aside from that, today was excellent. I love Sundays. Sundays are a great day to reflect, relax, serve, and be with family. And that's why I love it. You know, I made a fool of myself in sacrament meeting today. I totally got the numbers wrong for the hymns when I put them in the little display case, and Austin had to tell me how to fix them. I was so embarassed, but it was so funny. All I could do was laugh at myself. Sometimes it's really easy to take life seriously, and sometimes the best thing to do when life gets too serious is to laugh. And that's what I did today. I was so embarassed, but it was so funny.

Service is great. I need to do more of that.

Today was excellent. Hooray for happy Sundays spent with family and friends that love me. And hooray for feeling the love of my Heavenly Father, because I know that he cares. I'm totally going to make it through finals week. Oh yeah.

I'm going on an adventure, the adventure of life!

So I guess that in a weird way, this blog sort of represents the new Melissa. Is that weird? Probably. Meh, I don't really care. I thought about posting on my old blog today, but I just don't really want to. My previous blog has a completely different audience. Granted, this blog has an official audience of two: me and Katie. But it represents something that's really different from my old blog. This blog is sort of capturing my continued developement... my old blog was capturing my development during high school. And while I loved high school, the first blog post on A New Chapter for an Existing Story marked the day that I really moved away from that life. Growing up isn't so bad sometimes. And being able to make decisions for myself is really exciting. Maybe tomorrow I'll become a campus bike rider with cool clothing or maybe I'll sky dive for my 21st birthday. Where's my life going to lead me? I don't know. But sometimes it makes me really excited to think about the possibilities. I have endless opportunities, and if I want to go to Africa to volunteer then I'm going to do it. Watch out world. Melissa has finally hit her slightly rebellious stage- it's been a long time coming. I don't know where my life is going to lead me or who it's going to lead me to, but the possibilities are endless and I can do a lot of good in this world. Even if other people say that I can't, I know that I can. And that's all that matters. Big changes are coming, but today I feel super open to the changes and the new possibilities. Adventure awaits!

Random.

How do I feel?

I feel like I'll never get this right.

You can tell the mood that I'm in by the number of spaces between lines.


The length of sentences is also important.


Sometimes I could just sleep the day away.

Like today.

Sleeping usually makes me forget.

Except when I have scary dreams.
Those have been more frequent lately.

I sound depressed. I'm not. Today's just been kinda crappy.

It's going to get better. And when it does, I'm going to post again.

Unless I'm so happy that I forget...

Lost.

Lost.

Do you ever feel like you don't belong anywhere?

I do.

Church.
School.
Home.
Logan.

What happened?

When did I become an outsider?

When did my existance seem to matter less to other people?

Where do I belong?



Do I belong?

Top 10

Favorite Movie Quotes: (At least the ones that I can think of right now)

#1 "I want to be a professional whistler. I'm pretty amazing at it already, but i want to get like even better"

#2 "I'm a crumbling canyon wall, and i'm taking you with me. Not today pal! Uh huh Uh huh uh huh uh huh."

#3 "Congratulations, you are the fattest boy in camp."

#4 "Maybe you should. Maybe I should."

#5 "I feel like I just found out that my favorite love song was written about a sandwich..."

#6 "And he doesn't like cashews. I just think that's weird..."

#7 "It's a cake! There's a hole in this cake..."

#8 "Does she do nails? I need to get my nails did."

#9 "What are the odds that that trap door would lead me out here."

#10 "He don't eat no meat?! Eet's ok. I make lamb."

Trust

Trust

This post is probably going to turn out a lot different than I intended it to.

Trust

That's what's important right now.

I just had kind of a big let down as far as school is concerned, and when that happens it's really hard for me to stay focused.

But I won't let this get me down. There are more important things than school.

There's sunshine today, and my family still loves me. And it's Friday.

Things are going to be fine.

Focus

Trust.

"Oh, I can feel it."

The semester will end... I just have to keep telling myself that sometimes ;) You know, I wish I could push a magical "fix my mood" button whenever I'm in a bad mood. And it would be nice if my self talk actually worked. Like when I tell myself that hard things are for the best, it would be nice to really believe that. Or when I set a goal. Wouldn't it be nice to actually achieve one of those goals for a change? What does that even feel like? I feel so stuck right now, and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to fix me. I try to be better, and I feel like I end up taking steps backwards. "Fix. It. Fix it!"

Things are going to be all right. And one day I'll have things figured out. Until then, I just have to pretend like I have it all figured out, and I have to keep being independent and self motivated. Help.

Sometimes I wish that it wasn't such a bad thing to feel. I think I'm just in this weird stage of my life where I'm trying to figure things out. I'm trying to decide where I really stand and how I really view the world around me. Things just don't seem as black and white as they used to be. It's just so strange to decide how I feel about certain things. And it's weird to still feel like I'm trying to find my place in the world. Things are going to be super. I can feel it.

*Oh and feel free to comment on anything you'd like, Katie. haha You're the only one that reads it anyways, and I always love to hear your feedback.

I'm lovin' it

So what's the great story of the day? Well, it certainly doesn't start out that well, but it ends in a great way. So I went to my accompanist's class today because we have to sing there two times during the semester. So it's actually usually a pretty awful experience for both of us; however, it's a really good performing opportunity. Unfortunately, neither of us were as prepared as we could have been today, and it was the longest forty five minutes I've had in a long time. She was obviously not impressed with us, and especially not me. So yeah, it was a really terrible part of my day.

So now to the good news. So I was walking out of there today and I really didn't feel like her comments affected me all that much. I know what I can do, and I know that I've been really busy. I don't feel like I've wasted a lot of time this semester, I've just been really busy. So the moral of the story? I didn't let her comments affect me. I took some of her criticism seriously, and I'll use it towards improving my songs for juries. But I'm not going to take her dislike as a personal attack. I know that things are tough and stressful for me this semester, and I feel good about the direction that I'm heading with my vocal abilities. I'm still just a freshman, and yes, there are things that I can do to improve my studying and things. But I really am trying, and I'm not going to let criticism from other people get me down anymore.

So there are a lot of things that I'm still struggling with, but really, I know most of my weak areas, and I'm learning to accept those. I think that everyday I move closer to feeling comfortable with who I am. And really, as long as I know I'm doing my best, that's all that matters.

You're beautiful. James Blunt said so.

I think that everyone has been given at least one trial or weakness that seems impossible to overcome. It's not one of those trials that you can conquer in a week like a paper for a class or a bad haircut. I feel like everyone has probably been blessed with something that will take years or even a lifetime to overcome. It's an interesting thought that i had today that sort of leads into what I want to focus on for this post tonight.

I think that something I'm really struggling with lately is feeling like what I have to offer is good enough. I know that we're not supposed to compare ourselves to other people, but it's so hard not to get caught up in the ways that we're viewed by other people. We're surrounded by other people who seem to have everything together: beauty, personality, faith, etc. There are just certain people that seem exceptional at living, and it's really really hard to see good qualities in yourself when you feel like other people are still so much better.

I think lately I've been second guessing myself even more than normal. I guess I just feel like I could be putting a lot more effort into things, and I'm not really trying to do my very best. I mean, I am trying to do my very best, but I guess it's not always good enough. And sometimes I'm just really good at letting myself down and so it scares me the next time I try to do something because I'm sure that I'll fail again. And it's hard to picture myself succeeding when I can only remember all the times that I failed or I just didn't measure up.

I really want to work on valuing myself. Because it's so easy to let other people dictate the way that I feel about myself. But what I really want is to set some realistic goals and achieve them. So that I can prove to myself that I can do things that are hard. But even thinking about it now, I'm thinking about how easily this motivating feelings will wear off. I want to feel good about me. I want to quit comparing myself to other people who I feel are better. I want to stop second guessing every single move I make because I'm afraid of looking bad or being too something...

Am I ready to really make some significant changes in my life? I think I'll need some help. And I'm pretty sure I know a few people that I can look to for that kind of support. Tomorrow is a new day, and things aren't going to be any easier. But I love the person that I am. I'm not the same as those other people that I view as being perfect, but that's ok. I'm me, and that's good enough. I'm going to try harder. Tomorrow's a new day. And I am a beautiful person who has a lot to offer to those who are around me. I just gotta keep telling myself that, and one day I'll believe it completely in my head and my heart.

It's gonna be a good one ;)

So the great story for the day is that I nearly said something in my Children's Lit class. And almost saying something is a lot of progress for me. I usually don't say anything, and when I do say something, it's because I have to have participation points to get a good grade.

Today has actually turned out better than expected so far. I splashed in the slush puddles so my shoes are soaked through, but it made me feel good. I'm even sitting in the computer lab with my shoes off. Sorry everyone else! And I had a pretty good time in theory today with some friends. So far, today hasn't been that bad.

Last night I got to hang out with my family for a while. We went to dinner and then me and my sister watched Biggest Loser. It was an awesome episode by the way. I just love this new blog. It's a place where I come and remember all the good things about my day, and it's kind of secretly hidden in cyberspace. I love it!

Have a happy day! It's gonna be a good one ;)

Here's to life.

After a really great and inspiring day, a much less inspiring day usually follows. It hasn't really been that bad. I fell asleep in one class and nearly failed a test in another; however, I got lucky and I don't have to take the keyboarding mid-term until next time. That was a serious blessing for the day. And I went to the gym today. Everything in my whole body told me to run to the lounge and sleep after econ, but I didn't. I went to the gym and worked out for about an hour, and I actually feel really great now.

I wanted to live my life, and I guess I'm getting a taste of real life today. Life isn't always filled with roses and happy Wal*Mart smiley faces, but it's life. And I'm still living it. And you know, when I left the gym today, the sun was shining. I really thought it would be terrible weather all week, but today was great. Spring is just over the horizon. I can feel it!

I find writing really therapeutic. I'm not really very good at it, but I like doing it. It helps me remember that even days like today probably aren't really all that bad. And I made it through, and now I'm doing well. Today is going to be an excellent day, and tomorrow is going to be great too! "Oh, I can feel it."

Happy Spring everyone. Here's to life.

Live your life.

A new chapter has emerged from my already existing novel. It's one of those novels that continues to be written, and it will never stop being written. I will always be progressing and moving forward and reaching for new peaks. When I get tired of old ones, I move on to new ones. I can be whomever I want to be, and that's what I love about this new chapter. I'm turning over a new leaf, and I'm moving to being the person that I want to be.

You may want to ask me who it is that I want to be. And I'd tell you that you have a very valid question. I'm not sure who it is that I really want to be. I know that right now at this very moment I want to be happy. I want to live each moment as if it were the most important moment of my life. I want to stress only about the things that are truly important. I want to be faithful, kind, and true to those that I love. I want to feel important, and I want to create moments with my family. I want to be the person that I want to be and not feel guilty about my mistakes. I want to live. More than anything in the world I just want to live my life.

Living to me means more than going through the motions. It means that I will count each breath as a blessing from God. I will keep myself healthy so that I can live my life longer and to the fullest. I will relish in the moments that are breathtaking: rain, sweet kisses, precious moments with family and friends. I will appreciate the time I get to spend studying and reading at night, which is my favorite time of the day. And I'm going to enjoy my life. I'm not going to be perfect, but I'm going to feel good about who I am and what I'm doing. Because from now on I'm going to live.

Maybe I'll use this blog to relive really precious moments that I feel impact who I am. Or maybe I'll post once and won't do it again. Either way, this post for this blog at this moment signals a change of heart for me. It signals a release from a different person who was a little more afraid to be herself. And now I'm going to do a little better. I'm going to stand a little taller and reach a little further because I can. Today signals a change. I can feel it, and I'm drowning myself in the purity that can come through true change. So here I go to LIVE another day. And that's what's most important.