Breakthrough?

So, I've struggled with my weight for my whole life. I really can't remember any time in my life when I've been skinny and healthy. I've had times when I've been really close to that - like now. In the past 6 months I've lost about 32 pounds! It's been a really great journey for me, and I've done really well. Minus the fact the my body doesn't seem to want to lose the weight as fast as it probably should ;) But that's not the point of discussion for tonight.

Tonight I had an epiphany of sorts. Every addict has a root cause for their addiction - I really do believe that's true. There's something deep inside that drives us to do the things we do - for me it's binging on food.

When I binge, it's a moment of absolute no control. Which is a huge contrast to the rest of my life. Everything is so controlled. My personality is controlled, my dress, my family, my schooling, everything is just so. Everything is perfectly in order. Fluffy always does it the "right" way. There's no need to rock the boat in my world... so I eat to feel the lack of control. The lack of control that other people experience from doing crazy random things, I feel when I binge. And the binging takes care of the things that I can't control, too. It fills in those gaps... and it's something that I'm secretly controlling while I'm out of control. The food makes the pain go away. The food makes the hard things seem less hard. If only for a second, it's worth it.

I've unlocked the secret. Now how do I deal with it? That's the part that I haven't figured out yet... that's the piece of the puzzle that's still missing. Why is this so hard for me? It doesn't make any sense.

How do I feel right now? Alone. Confused. Afraid. I just want this struggle to be over. I want to be healthy and happy and beautiful. Is that too much to ask? I'm going to figure this out. I'm going to beat it.

-Fluffy

Dull Gray

Dull Gray

The darkness creeps through the beautiful sea blue.
I search.
I try to push the darkness away.
The task at hand is impossible.
The lush green gives way to an ever-gray.
I seek. I look.
I cannot find.
I hope that I can push away the gray and the darkness...
I plead. I ask. I wait.

I let the darkness and the dull gray envelope me.
I am alone.
The colors are gone.
Along with all hope.

Definitely worth getting to know ;)

I just had this thought... so I've been running a lot lately. Well, actually, let me start from the very beginning. My mom and I have been on a weight loss journey for about 5 months now. I've lost a little over 30 pounds! Woot! :) And I'm feeling really great. Fast forward to now. Now I run pretty much every day, and I absolutely love it. I'm not even completely sure why I love it so much, but I do.

Anyways, when you run, your muscles are broken down. And the muscles break down so that they can get bigger and stronger. And you know, such is life. Not always necessarily in the physical sense. More often than not it's the emotional or spiritual muscles that are broken down. We have to be broken before we can be fixed and made stronger. It's an interesting concept; however, it's a concept that I really like.

I feel like I'm on this journey this summer, and I'm finally figuring out what the journey for me is really about. I need to use this summer of being broken down to find myself. Because when I find myself or create myself (however you want to look at it.) I will come out stronger and better. So what am I going to do? I'm going to look deep inside myself and discover. What? I'm not sure... but it will be great and absolutely worth it. Because I want to spend the rest of my life loving the person that I am. Because the person that I am is pretty special, one of a kind even. And she's definitely worth getting to know.

Fluffy

Here I am blogging again. You know, blogging for yourself is probably kind of silly. Why share a piece of yourself if no one else will see it? To me, it's comforting. I like the idea that I have a place where I can share thoughts without the judgement of others. It's not the same as a journal though. You still can't share everything over the internet... that would just be silly.

Well, a lot has changed since November 22, 2009. For one, I finished another semester of school, and I've come and gone from Israel. I still miss Israel. It was so beautiful, and the people were mostly all friendly and welcoming. I think that the one thing that I miss the most is the way that the people of Israel view beauty. I felt more beautiful in Israel than I think I ever have in the United States. Beauty is perceived as a much more natural thing in Israel, and that's what I loved the most. I didn't have to try as hard, but I was still just as beautiful. I miss that a lot. I also miss some of the food... some. ;)

Life is good. Things aren't perfect, but things are good. I'm so blessed and happy to be alive. Keep on keepin' on.

-Fluffy

Thanksgiving.

Every good blogger has to have a good "I'm grateful for..." post. So here's mine. I think that I'll try to high light one small thing each day this week. Day one.

Beautiful weather!

I love the sun so much, and I'm always so sad when the weather changes to snow in the winter time. I love the rain. I love sitting inside, reading books, and listening to the beautiful pitter pat of the rain on the roof. I love the changing leaves in the fall time - I especially love crunching around in them as I smile to myself. I love the beautiful snow. It's cold, but it's always beautiful. I love the weather. And I love that I am blessed with all four seasons here.

Day one = success. I'm so grateful for the weather!

Happy Thursday

Happy Thursday :) Well, I guess it's Friday now...

You know what makes me really happy? I love driving with my windows rolled down on cool summer nights. And it's only complete with my blasting country music in the background. I used to think that I didn't really have a musical preference. But I do. I've been listening to my sister's music a lot lately, and it just doesn't sit well with me. It's all right for the first 10 minutes or so, and then I'm ready to turn it off. I love my country music. I know that tags me as sort of a music freak (especially in the music building ;)) but I love it. I don't really have favorite songs, but here are my favorites for today.

Favorite country songs for today:

I Run to You by Lady Antebellum
Then by Brad Paisley
Mayberry by Rascal Flatts

Those are the first three that came to mind. I love the way country music tells stories. You get a glimpse into people's lives from a three minute song, how great is that? I love music...

Well, that's all. I've had a great day today. It's been a while since I've been able to say that. Today was just all around successful. Sweet dreams, readers ;)

Blogging for the Soul

Why did I even start this blog? It's kind of funny to look back on my old blog. Looking at the person that I used to be and who I've become. Who I've become... am I happy with who I've become? I'm happy with most of the person that I've become. There will always be more to fix. That's terrifying, happy, wonderful, and awful all at the same time. Being able to progress forever is a little overwhelming, but knowing that I'm not perfect now and that I'm not supposed to be is comforting. It's kind of exciting too... I can be whoever I want to be.

I wish I was more adventurous sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I'm always taking the safe way out, always doing exactly what I'm told. Not that I want to do anything bad, but maybe something a little crazy. I really want to go somewhere and help. Like Mexico or Africa. I don't know what I could do... maybe they need English teachers in Taiwan. I've heard of people that have done that. And I would love to do that too. I don't really know what kinds of programs take students there, but I'd love to go. Isn't it funny who sometimes life is really exciting and other times it's just a challenge to make it day to day? Maybe it's not really funny...

I need to start hanging out with people again. I've kind of closed myself off these past few weeks. Not a good idea for me... it gives me too much free time. I have been reading a lot lately though. I finally finished Harry Potter 7. It was fantastic! I laughed, I cried... awesome. ;)

Why is it so hard to let people in? It's so difficult to sustain relationships with people... they take so much work. It's worth it absolutely, but it's not easy. I feel really alone lately. Not completely alone, because I know that I'm never completely alone, but sometimes I go to work, come home, and then go to bed. I hardly text anyone (everyone's pretty much gone now). And I'm afraid to go back to school. Part of me is afraid to get closer to the people who are leaving, because solitude at school will be easier if I'm used to it, won't it? Somehow I'm going to be all right, and I will make friends. And I can get close to people who are leaving. What's life without a little heartache? ;)

I'm going to work harder.

Blogging is so therapudic. Seriously. I feel much better about things. And maybe I'll even hang out with some people tomorrow... crazy thought ;) I can do this. And maybe I'll let other people read this blog... it was originally made as a new chapter in my story, and it was meant for me. So we'll see... maybe I'll post on my other blog that I have this one. Who knows? Have a happy week everyone. Good luck with everything you're doing.