Breakthrough?

So, I've struggled with my weight for my whole life. I really can't remember any time in my life when I've been skinny and healthy. I've had times when I've been really close to that - like now. In the past 6 months I've lost about 32 pounds! It's been a really great journey for me, and I've done really well. Minus the fact the my body doesn't seem to want to lose the weight as fast as it probably should ;) But that's not the point of discussion for tonight.

Tonight I had an epiphany of sorts. Every addict has a root cause for their addiction - I really do believe that's true. There's something deep inside that drives us to do the things we do - for me it's binging on food.

When I binge, it's a moment of absolute no control. Which is a huge contrast to the rest of my life. Everything is so controlled. My personality is controlled, my dress, my family, my schooling, everything is just so. Everything is perfectly in order. Fluffy always does it the "right" way. There's no need to rock the boat in my world... so I eat to feel the lack of control. The lack of control that other people experience from doing crazy random things, I feel when I binge. And the binging takes care of the things that I can't control, too. It fills in those gaps... and it's something that I'm secretly controlling while I'm out of control. The food makes the pain go away. The food makes the hard things seem less hard. If only for a second, it's worth it.

I've unlocked the secret. Now how do I deal with it? That's the part that I haven't figured out yet... that's the piece of the puzzle that's still missing. Why is this so hard for me? It doesn't make any sense.

How do I feel right now? Alone. Confused. Afraid. I just want this struggle to be over. I want to be healthy and happy and beautiful. Is that too much to ask? I'm going to figure this out. I'm going to beat it.

-Fluffy