Breakthrough?

So, I've struggled with my weight for my whole life. I really can't remember any time in my life when I've been skinny and healthy. I've had times when I've been really close to that - like now. In the past 6 months I've lost about 32 pounds! It's been a really great journey for me, and I've done really well. Minus the fact the my body doesn't seem to want to lose the weight as fast as it probably should ;) But that's not the point of discussion for tonight.

Tonight I had an epiphany of sorts. Every addict has a root cause for their addiction - I really do believe that's true. There's something deep inside that drives us to do the things we do - for me it's binging on food.

When I binge, it's a moment of absolute no control. Which is a huge contrast to the rest of my life. Everything is so controlled. My personality is controlled, my dress, my family, my schooling, everything is just so. Everything is perfectly in order. Fluffy always does it the "right" way. There's no need to rock the boat in my world... so I eat to feel the lack of control. The lack of control that other people experience from doing crazy random things, I feel when I binge. And the binging takes care of the things that I can't control, too. It fills in those gaps... and it's something that I'm secretly controlling while I'm out of control. The food makes the pain go away. The food makes the hard things seem less hard. If only for a second, it's worth it.

I've unlocked the secret. Now how do I deal with it? That's the part that I haven't figured out yet... that's the piece of the puzzle that's still missing. Why is this so hard for me? It doesn't make any sense.

How do I feel right now? Alone. Confused. Afraid. I just want this struggle to be over. I want to be healthy and happy and beautiful. Is that too much to ask? I'm going to figure this out. I'm going to beat it.

-Fluffy

Dull Gray

Dull Gray

The darkness creeps through the beautiful sea blue.
I search.
I try to push the darkness away.
The task at hand is impossible.
The lush green gives way to an ever-gray.
I seek. I look.
I cannot find.
I hope that I can push away the gray and the darkness...
I plead. I ask. I wait.

I let the darkness and the dull gray envelope me.
I am alone.
The colors are gone.
Along with all hope.

Definitely worth getting to know ;)

I just had this thought... so I've been running a lot lately. Well, actually, let me start from the very beginning. My mom and I have been on a weight loss journey for about 5 months now. I've lost a little over 30 pounds! Woot! :) And I'm feeling really great. Fast forward to now. Now I run pretty much every day, and I absolutely love it. I'm not even completely sure why I love it so much, but I do.

Anyways, when you run, your muscles are broken down. And the muscles break down so that they can get bigger and stronger. And you know, such is life. Not always necessarily in the physical sense. More often than not it's the emotional or spiritual muscles that are broken down. We have to be broken before we can be fixed and made stronger. It's an interesting concept; however, it's a concept that I really like.

I feel like I'm on this journey this summer, and I'm finally figuring out what the journey for me is really about. I need to use this summer of being broken down to find myself. Because when I find myself or create myself (however you want to look at it.) I will come out stronger and better. So what am I going to do? I'm going to look deep inside myself and discover. What? I'm not sure... but it will be great and absolutely worth it. Because I want to spend the rest of my life loving the person that I am. Because the person that I am is pretty special, one of a kind even. And she's definitely worth getting to know.

Fluffy

Here I am blogging again. You know, blogging for yourself is probably kind of silly. Why share a piece of yourself if no one else will see it? To me, it's comforting. I like the idea that I have a place where I can share thoughts without the judgement of others. It's not the same as a journal though. You still can't share everything over the internet... that would just be silly.

Well, a lot has changed since November 22, 2009. For one, I finished another semester of school, and I've come and gone from Israel. I still miss Israel. It was so beautiful, and the people were mostly all friendly and welcoming. I think that the one thing that I miss the most is the way that the people of Israel view beauty. I felt more beautiful in Israel than I think I ever have in the United States. Beauty is perceived as a much more natural thing in Israel, and that's what I loved the most. I didn't have to try as hard, but I was still just as beautiful. I miss that a lot. I also miss some of the food... some. ;)

Life is good. Things aren't perfect, but things are good. I'm so blessed and happy to be alive. Keep on keepin' on.

-Fluffy