Pain builds compassion

What makes everything feel better? A good ol' Paul Potts marathon. His voice is so beautiful and soothing. I absolutely and completely love it. No questions asked. I can feel his heart in the music, and that's why it's beautiful. Singing with heart is a lot more difficult than you'd think.

So, I'm not going to lie, this has been a really tough week for me.

I feel like in some areas of my life I've taken a huge step forward since high school. I'm a lot more independent. And when I'm not depressed, I'm really good at being alone. I like being with myself, even if other people don't. That's an interesting dynamic of my life right now. Sometimes, and I'm sure everyone feels this way at times, I feel like I'm a pretty good person, but I can't seem to let other people see it. Sometimes I'm just plain scared to let other people see it because I'm sure that they'll take a piece of my heart and then break it. That happened a few times. Or they just miss it. I'm right there waiting for them, practically begging them, to take a piece of my heart and keep it safe. But getting to the point of absolutely siphoning off a portion of my heart takes time and trust, and usually the piece they take, knowingly or unknowingly, gets broken.

How do you move on from that?

I hate it when boys don't feel. They seem to move on a lot faster than girls do.
"We don't love as much, but we love just as hard. The mother of my kids is a junkie, and I love her."

Half of me wants to let everything go so that I can move on, and the other half of me knows that the things that brought me to this point are a part of me and I'll never be able to let them go. I haven't found a balance between past and present. Because if I don't hurt because of the things that I've lost, then they're really gone. If I stop hurting, then I've let go. And letting go is too scary. Because letting go of people, even people that have hurt me, means that I'll be alone. And being alone hurts worse than the pain that other people have caused me, doesn't it? So which pain am I more afraid of? That's the decision I have to make, I guess. Right now, it feels like whatever I choose I'm going to be in pain. But at least I have the choice.

I do feel. And that's important, it means I'm human.

I lack motivation to do things because I can't see the point. Did there used to be a point, or did I trick myself into believing that there was a point? Maybe it's just harder to see the end goal as an adult. Maybe there really hasn't ever been a point. Maybe one day this void will go away...

I can't imagine that he doesn't feel it too. Am I really the only one that gave a piece of my heart away? Even if this is how it's meant to be, it still hurts.

I've said that before...

Even though I'm hurting, I'm happy because I know that someone who knows what is best for me is shaping my life. Pain is all a part of the process. And if I don't feel pain, how could I be expected to help other people who feel pain? I've got to feel it if I want to use it to help other people who are suffering. Pain builds compassion. And one day, when my daughter comes to me with a broken heart, I'll know how to help because I've been there. I'll hold her and let her tell me absolutely everything. And I'll be able to do that because I've felt similar pain.

This is all a part of the plan for me. I've just got to keep on keepin' on because I can overcome this pain. It will take time, but the wound is going to close, I'm going to become who I want to be, and I'm going to find happiness through myself. It's possible. "Oh yeah, it's all comin' together."