Blogging for the Soul

Why did I even start this blog? It's kind of funny to look back on my old blog. Looking at the person that I used to be and who I've become. Who I've become... am I happy with who I've become? I'm happy with most of the person that I've become. There will always be more to fix. That's terrifying, happy, wonderful, and awful all at the same time. Being able to progress forever is a little overwhelming, but knowing that I'm not perfect now and that I'm not supposed to be is comforting. It's kind of exciting too... I can be whoever I want to be.

I wish I was more adventurous sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I'm always taking the safe way out, always doing exactly what I'm told. Not that I want to do anything bad, but maybe something a little crazy. I really want to go somewhere and help. Like Mexico or Africa. I don't know what I could do... maybe they need English teachers in Taiwan. I've heard of people that have done that. And I would love to do that too. I don't really know what kinds of programs take students there, but I'd love to go. Isn't it funny who sometimes life is really exciting and other times it's just a challenge to make it day to day? Maybe it's not really funny...

I need to start hanging out with people again. I've kind of closed myself off these past few weeks. Not a good idea for me... it gives me too much free time. I have been reading a lot lately though. I finally finished Harry Potter 7. It was fantastic! I laughed, I cried... awesome. ;)

Why is it so hard to let people in? It's so difficult to sustain relationships with people... they take so much work. It's worth it absolutely, but it's not easy. I feel really alone lately. Not completely alone, because I know that I'm never completely alone, but sometimes I go to work, come home, and then go to bed. I hardly text anyone (everyone's pretty much gone now). And I'm afraid to go back to school. Part of me is afraid to get closer to the people who are leaving, because solitude at school will be easier if I'm used to it, won't it? Somehow I'm going to be all right, and I will make friends. And I can get close to people who are leaving. What's life without a little heartache? ;)

I'm going to work harder.

Blogging is so therapudic. Seriously. I feel much better about things. And maybe I'll even hang out with some people tomorrow... crazy thought ;) I can do this. And maybe I'll let other people read this blog... it was originally made as a new chapter in my story, and it was meant for me. So we'll see... maybe I'll post on my other blog that I have this one. Who knows? Have a happy week everyone. Good luck with everything you're doing.

That's all it takes.

Katie just asked/told me to "stop falling apart." Now, she meant it literally. I have a cold sore, I just burned the finger next to the finger that is randomly swollen and bruised, and I've been having weird stomach cramps for the past few days. Not to mention the weird dots that have been accumulating on my calf muscles. I know she meant it literally, but right before she sent me that text I was thinking about not falling apart in more of a metaphorical way. Sometimes I feel like I'm falling apart. I'm not trying to complain or anything; I know there are people with trials billions of times harder than mine right now. But I feel like it's important for me to write about how I'm feeling; why have a blog if all I do is write fluffy lists and posts full of uplifting words? Life isn't about being perfect; life is about persevering through the rough parts and coming out a better person. Life may be hard, but who really wants to get to the end of life only to realize that they hadn't learned all the things they needed to because they had taken the easy way out? It's the hard times that shape us into the people that we're meant to be. I know that it doesn't seem that way when we're in the middle of a tough time in life. I know that really well. But I also have faith and hope that challenges are the very things that shape us into what we need to become. (I'm writing this mostly to remind myself.)

Heavenly Father is always watching out for us, no matter what. Even when we feel like we've reached the depths of sorrow and there is no light at the end of the tunnel, there is. He knows exactly how far we can be pushed. Heavenly Father doesn't test the weak. He's teaching us to be just like him, and that's exactly who I want to be. I am so far from being that... but I know that my Father in Heaven is cheering for me every step of the way. He wants me back; he wants everyone to come back to Him.

Some days I feel like I'm at the very end of my rope. Some days I feel like I really am all alone in this big world. But I know deep down in my heart that I am never truly alone, I will always have the love of my Heavenly Father and Savior. So even though I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams, I know someone is guiding my life and He's ready to sew me back up when I've reached my breaking point. Faith and hope, that's all it takes.