Experience is the essence of life.

Experiences are the essence of life. If we never experienced anything, then we wouldn't be living. And I'm so grateful that I get to experience new things often. I feel so ready to take on the world. There are just so many possibilities, and I can shape my life into what I want it to be- as long as it's done with righteous desires and guidance from the spirit. I am so grateful for the opportunity that I have to grow and to learn. Things can be hard sometimes, but if things weren't hard then they wouldn't be worth it. It's true. Hard things make life worth it. And making it through hard things makes us stronger.

Tonight I'm just so grateful. I know that no matter where my life turns, I have someone there guiding my life always. My Heavenly Father always knows what's best for me, and all He asks is that I place my full faith and trust in Him. And if I do, he will always guide me. I'm not perfect. And I am so grateful that I'm not perfect. I am so grateful that I get to learn and grow. I love it. I absolutely love learning things about myself, other people, and the world around me. It doesn't get much better than that.

I want to experience new things, and I want to grow. It won't always be easy, but it will always be worth it. I love this.

Just Keep Swimming

I've been a lot happier this summer than I've been for a long time. I'm not sure what I can attribute it to. I can think of a few things, but only a few that I'm actually going to mention on my blog.

1. Friends - This last semester of college made me remember how much I love my friends. But not just friends in general. I've realized that there are a few people that are always going to be there for me. There are some friends from high school that I'll still see on occasion, but there are two or three friends that I will always be able to turn to when I need them. And that means a lot to me.

Okay so only one that I'm going to write about.

College has taught me a lot. And I wouldn't trade this past year for anything. There were a few times when I was sure that I was going to throw in the towel, but I never did. And I'm stronger because I never did. I learned to be a lot more independent; yet, I also learned that I have to rely on other people sometimes. Going it alone just doesn't cut it, and it's not enjoyable.

I learned other qualities about myself too. Maybe I'll write about them in another post, maybe not. But college has really been an important step in my life. I'm learning and growing far more than I ever did in high school. High school taught me the lessons that it was meant to teach me, but now I'm moving on to bigger and better lessons and experiences.

"Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming."

Pain builds compassion

What makes everything feel better? A good ol' Paul Potts marathon. His voice is so beautiful and soothing. I absolutely and completely love it. No questions asked. I can feel his heart in the music, and that's why it's beautiful. Singing with heart is a lot more difficult than you'd think.

So, I'm not going to lie, this has been a really tough week for me.

I feel like in some areas of my life I've taken a huge step forward since high school. I'm a lot more independent. And when I'm not depressed, I'm really good at being alone. I like being with myself, even if other people don't. That's an interesting dynamic of my life right now. Sometimes, and I'm sure everyone feels this way at times, I feel like I'm a pretty good person, but I can't seem to let other people see it. Sometimes I'm just plain scared to let other people see it because I'm sure that they'll take a piece of my heart and then break it. That happened a few times. Or they just miss it. I'm right there waiting for them, practically begging them, to take a piece of my heart and keep it safe. But getting to the point of absolutely siphoning off a portion of my heart takes time and trust, and usually the piece they take, knowingly or unknowingly, gets broken.

How do you move on from that?

I hate it when boys don't feel. They seem to move on a lot faster than girls do.
"We don't love as much, but we love just as hard. The mother of my kids is a junkie, and I love her."

Half of me wants to let everything go so that I can move on, and the other half of me knows that the things that brought me to this point are a part of me and I'll never be able to let them go. I haven't found a balance between past and present. Because if I don't hurt because of the things that I've lost, then they're really gone. If I stop hurting, then I've let go. And letting go is too scary. Because letting go of people, even people that have hurt me, means that I'll be alone. And being alone hurts worse than the pain that other people have caused me, doesn't it? So which pain am I more afraid of? That's the decision I have to make, I guess. Right now, it feels like whatever I choose I'm going to be in pain. But at least I have the choice.

I do feel. And that's important, it means I'm human.

I lack motivation to do things because I can't see the point. Did there used to be a point, or did I trick myself into believing that there was a point? Maybe it's just harder to see the end goal as an adult. Maybe there really hasn't ever been a point. Maybe one day this void will go away...

I can't imagine that he doesn't feel it too. Am I really the only one that gave a piece of my heart away? Even if this is how it's meant to be, it still hurts.

I've said that before...

Even though I'm hurting, I'm happy because I know that someone who knows what is best for me is shaping my life. Pain is all a part of the process. And if I don't feel pain, how could I be expected to help other people who feel pain? I've got to feel it if I want to use it to help other people who are suffering. Pain builds compassion. And one day, when my daughter comes to me with a broken heart, I'll know how to help because I've been there. I'll hold her and let her tell me absolutely everything. And I'll be able to do that because I've felt similar pain.

This is all a part of the plan for me. I've just got to keep on keepin' on because I can overcome this pain. It will take time, but the wound is going to close, I'm going to become who I want to be, and I'm going to find happiness through myself. It's possible. "Oh yeah, it's all comin' together."

I love... random...

I love this blog.

Shhh it's a secret.

Here's a random sentence.

Sometimes when I'm with new people I smile a lot. That or I smile a lot already, and I just notice it when I'm with new people.


I love...
1. Spring.
2. Happiness.
3. Midnight Strolls beneath the starry night sky.
4. Camp Fires.
5. Sweats.
6. Lilacs.
7. Boys that bring you flowers just because they felt like it.
8. People who care.
9. Cashews "Which is weird..."
10. feeling good about myself.

I think I'll make a campfire tonight. I'll probably invite Katie. It'll be great.

Things are going to be OK. Heavenly Father is looking out for me, I know he is. And all this stuff is for my benefit. Things are going to be OK.

Happy Monday.

Laugh a little.

I ate too many cookies today. My tummy hurts. But aside from that, today was excellent. I love Sundays. Sundays are a great day to reflect, relax, serve, and be with family. And that's why I love it. You know, I made a fool of myself in sacrament meeting today. I totally got the numbers wrong for the hymns when I put them in the little display case, and Austin had to tell me how to fix them. I was so embarassed, but it was so funny. All I could do was laugh at myself. Sometimes it's really easy to take life seriously, and sometimes the best thing to do when life gets too serious is to laugh. And that's what I did today. I was so embarassed, but it was so funny.

Service is great. I need to do more of that.

Today was excellent. Hooray for happy Sundays spent with family and friends that love me. And hooray for feeling the love of my Heavenly Father, because I know that he cares. I'm totally going to make it through finals week. Oh yeah.